I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
