God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
