I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
