your parents love me but you hate me
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
