OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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