My Higher Power is John Stamos
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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