yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
