Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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