I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
