Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
