Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
