Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
