I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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