I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
