Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
