my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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