They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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