he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
