i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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