You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
