Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
