I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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