i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
