I am midnight drunk by noon
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
