I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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