So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
