Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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