you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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