pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
