take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I will pee on everything he values.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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