Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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