I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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