you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
