i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
