I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
