DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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