I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.