best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
