I faked an abortion last night.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
