There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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