What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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