Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
