There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
