I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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