I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips