I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.