Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
