Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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