Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
