apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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