I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
