just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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