i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
