i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
