If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
