Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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