I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
