shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
