she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
