i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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