The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
do herpes really smell.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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