do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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