I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
